The sex gold standard
Many individuals believe that in order to be called “sex,” anything must achieve the “gold standard,” which is penetration followed by orgasm. We minimise and discount the idea that having sex with oneself is normal and shameful, despite the fact that practically everyone does it. We rarely discuss it with our children, and numerous religious and secular speakers teach us that touching one’s own body is either a sin or something to avoid. In my opinion, we need to broaden the meaning of sex rather than sticking to the “gold standard.”
Masturbation and couples
Even after 35 years as a therapist, I’m constantly astonished when couples look uncomfortable and say “no” when I ask if they’ve ever discussed masturbation. This is especially true of mixed-sex couples, whereas same-sex couples who have negotiated, discussed what is and isn’t acceptable, and agreed to respect those boundaries are more likely to say “yes.”
“You shouldn’t have to masturbate, you have me!” I hear from mixed-sex couples in treatment. However, my impression is that most people in couples masturbate, whether or not they tell their partner about it. They shouldn’t assume that their partner’s masturbation is robbing them of something. It isn’t always the case. We are capable of having sex with both our spouse and ourselves. However, I believe that having an open and honest discussion about masturbation—how often we do it, what turns us on, what kind of porn gets us on when we masturbate, and so on—is a good and liberating experience. Couples have told me that they had no knowledge about their partner’s sensual desires and that discussing them turned them on.
There are occasions when a partner would rather masturbate than have coupled sex. This is very normal. Masturbation is simple and quick, whereas coupled sex needs more planning and time. If either partner believes their masturbatory habits are interfering with their relationship, the pair should have a sexual health discussion.
Knowing who you are
When I ask clients about their sex drive, they invariably tell me that they have a low sex drive and aren’t having sex, or as much sex, with their partner, despite the fact that they are masturbating twice a day. This suggests that people have more sex drive than they realise, but that partnered sex is desired at a different frequency. This could signal a talk about how their regular masturbation shows a larger interest in sex with themselves, or it could be linked to relationship issues. In this instance, it’s very important to have an open discussion about a relationship’s interest in solosex. I strongly advise partners not to keep it a secret. Both parties can agree, however, that their particular masturbatory behaviours are personal. This is an explicit contract that all parties have agreed to. Maintain your sexual health by purchasing a vibrator from a sex toy store near you in Malaysia.